Social Handicap

I’ve never been the one who enjoys small talk. Not unless I know it would lead to something else. But those uneasy cab rides, that awkward elevator silence or even just being alone with a co-worker you really don’t know that well are just excruciating. I wonder why we are required to say something even if we don’t have anything to say to that person and doing otherwise would be misconstrued as being rude. And as if that wasn’t enough, we also have to be careful with what we say, because we might hurt their feelings or they might find what we say offensive. Well boohoo.. Some say things they don’t even mean, others just downright don’t make sense at all. I can’t tell if the person I’m talking to is for real half the time. Man, socializing is hard work..Here’s a quick guide to the words behind the words.
Hi (guys)
Wow your boobs are amazing! I can’t stop staring them. She’s looking at you. She’s a little freaked out now. Look away!

Hi (girls)
It’s the creep that keeps staring at my boobs again.

How’s your day?
They seem to keep getting bigger each day

I’m fine (girls)
Hurry say your busy! Make up some excuse to get away from him!

You graduated from **? Do you know **?
(even when they know there are thousands of students and a 99.9999% chance you know the person they’re talking about)
Intro to how badass they were in college.

You’re from *** too? Which part? Do you know the ***  family?
(again, 99.99% chance)

*** Stuff with customers or co-workers

That’s a great idea, but..
Gibberish

I couldn’t agree more, but
You’re wrong. I’m always right

I see where you’re coming from
Science can learn so much from your stupidity

With all due respect
I wouldn’t piss on you even if your brain was on fire

That’s interesting..
Retard

You’re a genius!
Great job annoying person with low self-esteem

The best option for now..
You’re an idiot, here’s what you need to do

How are you today?
I need a favor

To be honest
I really want to hack your face with an ax right now.. so listen